Navigating Dysmorphia as a Performer
This is one of those topics that is, uncomfy. Which makes it all the more important to talk about.
I want to start off by acknowledging that most -everyone- deals with body image and dysmorphic issues of some kind. Let me be clear, no one’s shit stinks more than anyone else’s. K? You don’t get a gold star for your personal brand of suffering and you don’t get to shut down or shame anyone else’s suffering because it’s different than yours. We are all living the unique experience of our individual bodily manifestations, and while yes we can empathize and relate with one another, no one will ever really understand what it is like to live in someone else’s body with that bodies version of suffering.
Something we can all very much relate to is the misfortune of falling victim to the conditioning of societal “beauty standards” telling us that everything about us is fucking wrong, fucking broken, and fucking gross regardless of what we actually look like or what we buy. It’s a fantastic system built to prey upon our deepest vulnerabilities and desires; which are to be loved, accepted, and desired for exactly who we are at any given moment.
Now, I know it may seem strange that this blog topic is coming from me. I appear to fall into the category of “conventionally attractive”, what could I possibly have to say about any of this? Well I do in fact have my own experiences with dysmorphia, insecurity, and disordered eating. I have and still do at times fall prey to the systems that work so hard to convince me of my flaws and the “devaluing of my humanity” that comes from those so called flaws. Despite what others may think or say, I am in fact not exempt from this topic.
Performers have a unique way of being impacted by these things because we are constantly putting our literal selves out there to be soooo very seen. We’re in front of a room full of people staring at us, we’re on camera, we’re in photos. It’s a lot of being seen and seeing ourselves through the eyes and lenses of others. There are ways that we can be positively impacted “Oh wow, I look good! Sweet!” and negatively impacted “Holy hell that photo is so bad and it’s now plastered all over the internet, great.”. Because we can see how we’re being seen so much and because we can hear the commentary/opinions made about our bodies it can be really easy to fall into a pit of dysmorphia. Theres no filters or photoshop for a live performance. Yeah there are tricks with make up and fishnets, but in reality, when you’re on stage, you are raw dogging peoples eye balls with your physical self.
It takes A LOT of guts to do that willingly once, much less over and over. It takes A LOT to manage your own self image no matter how many times you do it. I’ve observed and listened to many performers of all body types and walks of life struggle with this and doing their best to navigate it. Below is a little list that I’ve compiled from my own experiences and my observations of ways that you can support yourself while navigating bodily dysmorphia as a performer.
Shifting focus from how your body looks to appreciating it’s functionality. You have shoulders that hold up that scrumptious robe and floofy boa. Hands that can paint your face and drive your car. Hips that sway side to side making the fringe on your skirt move nicely. My personal favorite; finding gratitude for your feet. They carry you to and from so many places all through your life.
Taking intentionally ugly pictures and sending them to your bestie, your mom, your partner, whoever. This is such a fun method to lighten the experience of a bad photo happening because with this you are in control of the bad photo. And more often than not, it’s going to make you laugh really hard. Which is good.
For my rebels: practicing self acceptance as radical act of “fuck you” to the systems is punk as fuck and pretty solid ground to stand on.
Notice I said self acceptance, not self love. The whole “self love” thing can get really toxic and weird, so maybe consider dropping that and picking up the idea of self acceptance instead. You don’t particularly have to love that thing about your body or your face, but can you find ways to accept the truth of it the same way that you accept how the weather is today?
Try your best to remember that (while it may your own version of) you are not alone in the experience of dysmorphia, and maybe chat with someone you feel safe with about it. Even just a few minutes of relating and connecting will help remind and rewire your brain that you are not alone.
Disconnect from what makes you feel shitty about yourself. Try not to do so with hate or spite, just from a place of knowing, “I can’t look at this without going into my feelings of insecurity and comparison rearing their ugly heads in a way that I can’t manage.”. For example: I unfollowed almost all of the big burlesque stars and my mental health around burlesque has improved a lot since. That will be a blog post of its own at a later time.
Keep in mind the technicalities of cameras and mirrors. Even the best of cameras will inherently distort how you look a little bit, “the camera adds 10 pounds”. The lighting, the make up, the colors around you will all impact the way you look in an image or video. Looking in a mirror is fucking weird and super distorted, why? Because it’s a reverse image of yourself, you truly are not seeing what you look like to others when you look at yourself in the mirror.
That was a hefty blog, congrats to anyone who made it all the way through! I could go on about this topic for a long time but I’ll leave it here for now and I’ll leave you with this. Dysmorphia is a deeply nuanced challenge that many people face on a regular basis and I would like to invite all of us into a bit more compassion, grace, and acceptance for ourselves and others. We all deserve to feel the sun, and the stage lights, on our skin no matter how we are manifested.
